There are days when inspiration and stimulation seem to abound, when each turn you take has you weak in the knees with awe of all the world has to offer. There are days when I have caught a glimpse of the sheer exquisiteness that is offered to us through the earth, one another and ourselves…
These are not those days.
These are days of drudgery and some of them eerily resemble emptiness, or at least the tedium of sameness without something on the horizon to look forward to.
Here I am at 25. Here I am. It’s nothing like I imagined. I had a plan, several actually, along the way and none of them have materialized for me.
First, I was going to be a psychologist, claiming the elusive “Dr.” title long before I thought about finding a life partner or starting a family. I would spend my days listening and helping people navigate their way through the winding maze that is life and the disappointment, grief, anger, jealousy and fear that steadfastly accompany it.
Then, instead, I was going to travel into the depths of our world to do the kind of good I wasn’t able to do in my own backyard. I was going to spend two years, at least, being God’s hands in South America, or Africa, or Asia. I was going to do service of the most noble sort.
Instead, I decided on graduate school. I would find an area of study that would allow to dive into all the issues that plague the communities I wanted to better. I would find a program that fit me impeccably and molded me into exactly the person who could make the kind of impact I wanted to on the world.
Then, instead, I was going to find a perfect job that would compliment my resume in the most ideal ways. I would do good in this world and round myself out before choosing a graduate school.
None of these things ever transpired. I planned for them, at times extraordinarily near to the point that they would become reality, but they never materialized. Not because I couldn’t make them happen, but because when it got down to it, I chose not to. I chose not to pursue a higher degree in psychology. I chose not to travel into the depths of our world in the third world to do service. I applied for, was accepted to and decided not to go to graduate school. I applied again and wasn’t accepted this time. I moved back to Colorado and I live at home. I work at a homeless shelter. I hate the hours and I’m afraid of the long-term damage it might do, but I’m good at the work and I know how valuable it is.
I’ve been trying to make a plan for a year and a half now and I can’t come up with anything. I don’t know what’s next. I’ve played with a couple of ideas but nothing seems to excite me. That’s the thing about days of drudgery and emptiness; it’s hard to spot the glimmers of possibility. But today, in a last ditch attempt for inspiration through the ajna energy of abundance, memories of adventures past, hopes for a worldly future and plea for divine participation I have formulated a new plan.
Today's Inspirations: chai tea in a new coffee cup,
prayerful hands carved by Palestinians, a new
ajna chakra candle, memories of beautiful Praha
and a globe to remind me of the many possibilities.
My new plan: I’m not going to make any plans.
I am going to open my heart to what’s to come. I will see where it takes me. I’ll rest into the uncertainty of the future. The fact is, its uncertain anyway. Maybe in accepting the uncertainty, I will again see the sheer exquisiteness that is offered up to us each and every day, planned or not.
