Things I Know Nothing About

1) Star trek

2) Saskatchewan

3) Organic Gardening

4) Most television shows and movies

5) Myself

Okay, maybe saying I know nothing about myself is an exaggeration, but I seem to be constantly reminded that I do not know everything on this topic.

Example:

If you look back in the archives of this wonderful blog that I only continue to write in order to keep quiet the peanut gallery, you will find an entry from my 8,392 day on this great earth (September 28, 2008.) In this entry entitled “Childlike Wildlike” I share that I have come to the conclusion that I am a “5” in the enneagram personality inventory. I shared:

Wonderful, I am a "5," what does that mean? Well, you see, it means that though I like to think of myself as a person who uses her heart for those decision making purposes, I actually use my head. According to the typography, I am mentally alert, good at observing, have generally modest needs, independent, yet detached a good listener, non-critical, gentle, introverted and private, and when I feel safe I can be expressive, friendly and talkative... But then on the other hand, for most "5's" privacy can turn to loneliness, feelings are disconnected to thoughts, they can be stingy with emotions, and are often frightened of center stage and more than anything, a "5" hates the feeling of foolishness. And I sit here, still a skeptic, but I have to admit, that typography just described me in a nutshell.

Turns out, I should have held on to my skepticism a little longer. Instead, I latched on to this typography. It explained so much in my life. I was a “head” person….ahhh, I get it. And then I went on with life, explaining my actions and reactions with the fact that I was a “5.” It all made perfect sense.

And, then a whopping 5 months after I had come to understand myself entirely with the help of this “enneagram” I began having doubts. I began thinking about my decision making process, my relationships, my internal dialogue and I realized….I AM NOT A HEAD PERSON AT ALL, I AM A GUT PERSON!!!

Almost every decision I make is based on what feels right to me. Every relationship I keep is one that I feel has a place in my life, even if it doesn’t make logical sense. I constantly have inner dialogue with myself about why I feel a certain way… I do think, but when I think, I think about what I feel. I got confused because I don’t articulate what I feel well, often resorting to sharing what I think because I don’t know how to share what I feel.

Example:

Earlier this spring I wrote a stellar admissions essay that helped me get accepted into the Community Psychology and Social Change Program at Penn State Harrisburg. Though I tried to play it cool while waiting to see if I was accepted (what kind of crazy person only applies to one graduate program?) in all reality, I had my heart set on this. It seemed like it was going to be the program that was going to be able to take me to where I wanted to go. And then, the day came- a small envelope came in the mail congratulating me on my admission to the program. I was so excited. I planned a solo road trip to Harrisburg as my final formality before committing to this 2 year program and made my way to central PA.

I went. I saw. I felt. I explored. I got back in the car to come back to NYC and I knew that it wasn’t for me. I simply could not see myself being a part of the program, the university or the community as a whole. My gut was telling me it wasn’t right.

So I decided I will not be going to get my MA CP&SC.

No more questions asked.

No doubts in my mind about whether I made the right decision.

My gut told me no, so I say no.

So with my gut and its newly empowered role in my life I move forward. I have sat down with my enneagram materials trying to figure out “what I am,” yet I have found my attempt at fitting myself into a personality paradigm to be fruitless. When I lay the enneagram numbers in front of me I find that in fact, if I were to label myself, I would fit most accurately into the “One” typography of, “essentially looking to make things better, as they think nothing is ever quite good enough. This makes them perfectionists who desire to reform and improve; idealists who strive to make order out of the omnipresent chaos.” Now, I would argue against the claims of perfectionism and workaholic-ism, but there is much of that I can see in myself. But if I know one thing, it’s that I am not going to be content in boxing myself into a number anymore.

And come August, looks like its back to CO for me. From the NYC skyscrapers back to my skyscraping mountains. Back to Colorado beer, spicy salsa, my bike, open space…and most importantly, back to my family, back to Sunday afternoons in the backyard and weekends in the mountains. But this time, I will also be moving forward with them, exploring new boundaries in these no longer obligatory relationships. Its exciting.

But today and tomorrow I am going to do my best in trying to use my gut, my heart AND my head to lead me and I guess I will continue trying to figure me out, though I am not sure that I will ever be off my “Things I know nothing about” list.

____

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
...
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
- Don Henley