Brave New Me

“Window by window you try and look into this brave new you that you are.”
- Spring Awakening


It’s possible that I have been foolish, which is a lot for me to admit, since I tend to spend a significant amount of my life attempting not to come across as foolish. But I think its true. I have been foolish.

Looking back, I was so ready to leave New York. I felt as though it wasn’t mine. Whatever that means. I was ready to get back to a life in a place that I love with the people I love. Shouldn’t be to difficult, should it?

Wrong.

I have lived in another country. I have moved to a city where I knew not a soul. I have been to the funerals of friends. I have conquered everything that life has thrown at me thus far, and yet this…this being in the place where I should be the most comfortable, is draining me.

Across from me in the coffee shop tonight were two girls, obviously home on break from their first semester of college. As I eavesdropped into their conversation I remembered what that was like… Trying to communicate with old friends this brave new you that you are. Trying to catch up, but also testing the waters to see if the ways that you have grown and changed are compatible with the ways they have grown and changed.

At first, witnessing this interaction made me feel good about the fact that I am no longer 18 years old trying to navigate my way through college. That is certainly one of those times in life that I can look back on with fondness yet have no desire to return to. Then, as I thought about it, I realized that in a way, I am in the same place that they are. It’s true. I may be more familiar with myself than they are and I am certainly past the point of bragging about the parties I went to and the tattoos I got (everyone knows I am a badass by this point, its futile), but when it comes to trying to fit this “new me” into the old world…it’s a struggle.

I struggle with self worth as much as the next girl, but when I think of the things I have done, accomplished, experienced in the last 5 years, I am damn impressed with myself. I have faced things I never imagined, and rather than coming out hardened and dead to the world, I seem to have created a “me” that is tough, yet tender and optimistic.

Yet here I am. I may have been foolish for thinking being here would be easy. But the thing I have going for me that these girls don’t is a couple of years under my belt that have shown me what I am capable of. This may not be ideal, but I can hack it here, just like I can hack it anywhere. I may not feel brave most days, but I have to remind myself that I am. And window by window I will try and look into this brave new me.