For three years now I have been in a state of perpetual transition. I have barely had time to settle into anything, instead bouncing from one new thing to the next. On one hand it’s exciting. I have experienced more in the last 3 years than I ever imagined I would. But quite honestly… it’s freaking exhausting. I often wish I had a place to be that was comfortable, familiar surrounded by people of the same qualities.
When I moved back to Colorado last August I imagined this as a comfortable, familiar place where my effort could be directed inward in order to figure out what my next step in life is. What I found is something so unlike what I imagined, some days I feel as though I am in an alternate universe.
In New York, when asked why I was moving back home (the Midwesterners couldn’t understand the concept) I repeated what became a mantra of sorts to me, “I have things for me there, there is nothing for me here.” By this, I meant, my support system is there in a state that I love. How could I turn that down just for the heck of it? I looked at Colorado and the people in it with my cute little rose colored glasses, ignoring the elephant standing right in front of me.
That elephant was the fact that I wasn’t going back to the same circumstances I had left. What I had left was a Colorado summer when my support system was conveniently split between two towns only 45 minutes from one another. What I had left, was a self who was unconcerned with most everything, floating through life somewhat effortlessly. I should know by now that time does not stop when I am not present. The Colorado I was returning to still wowed me with this 14,000 ft peaks and abundance of microbreweries, but much was different in this state that I love when I returned. My friends had scattered, both literally and figuratively, across the Front Range (for those who were even still in CO) and into different places in life. Some had settled into jobs and partners, some had settled into graduate school, some had simply settled for less than they imagined their lives would be.
The only thing that brought me consistency was my family. I feel unbelievably fortunate for them, but lets get real—At 24, a woman needs more than her family, for support and even more, for social satisfaction. The consistency of watching Jeopardy before dinner every night is nice…yet somehow doesn’t meet the criteria for a “healthy” social life of a woman in her early 20’s... at least not in my book.
It’s been a rollercoaster, this time I have been here in this comfortable, familiar place. But I am finally feeling as though I have my feet on the ground. I have a job I love. I am making new friends who challenge and inspire me. I am back practicing yoga…. By no means are things perfect, but things are, at least, alright. Some days are good. Some days are great. What life has in store is as up in the air as ever, but I am working on being comfortable with that.
Others can settle into jobs and school and partners…I will settle only into the uncertainty of the perpetual transition I place myself in.
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