Settling into Perpetual Transition

For three years now I have been in a state of perpetual transition. I have barely had time to settle into anything, instead bouncing from one new thing to the next. On one hand it’s exciting. I have experienced more in the last 3 years than I ever imagined I would. But quite honestly… it’s freaking exhausting. I often wish I had a place to be that was comfortable, familiar surrounded by people of the same qualities.

When I moved back to Colorado last August I imagined this as a comfortable, familiar place where my effort could be directed inward in order to figure out what my next step in life is. What I found is something so unlike what I imagined, some days I feel as though I am in an alternate universe.

In New York, when asked why I was moving back home (the Midwesterners couldn’t understand the concept) I repeated what became a mantra of sorts to me, “I have things for me there, there is nothing for me here.” By this, I meant, my support system is there in a state that I love. How could I turn that down just for the heck of it? I looked at Colorado and the people in it with my cute little rose colored glasses, ignoring the elephant standing right in front of me.

That elephant was the fact that I wasn’t going back to the same circumstances I had left. What I had left was a Colorado summer when my support system was conveniently split between two towns only 45 minutes from one another. What I had left, was a self who was unconcerned with most everything, floating through life somewhat effortlessly. I should know by now that time does not stop when I am not present. The Colorado I was returning to still wowed me with this 14,000 ft peaks and abundance of microbreweries, but much was different in this state that I love when I returned. My friends had scattered, both literally and figuratively, across the Front Range (for those who were even still in CO) and into different places in life. Some had settled into jobs and partners, some had settled into graduate school, some had simply settled for less than they imagined their lives would be.

The only thing that brought me consistency was my family. I feel unbelievably fortunate for them, but lets get real—At 24, a woman needs more than her family, for support and even more, for social satisfaction. The consistency of watching Jeopardy before dinner every night is nice…yet somehow doesn’t meet the criteria for a “healthy” social life of a woman in her early 20’s... at least not in my book.

It’s been a rollercoaster, this time I have been here in this comfortable, familiar place. But I am finally feeling as though I have my feet on the ground. I have a job I love. I am making new friends who challenge and inspire me. I am back practicing yoga…. By no means are things perfect, but things are, at least, alright. Some days are good. Some days are great. What life has in store is as up in the air as ever, but I am working on being comfortable with that.

Others can settle into jobs and school and partners…I will settle only into the uncertainty of the perpetual transition I place myself in.

Brave New Me

“Window by window you try and look into this brave new you that you are.”
- Spring Awakening


It’s possible that I have been foolish, which is a lot for me to admit, since I tend to spend a significant amount of my life attempting not to come across as foolish. But I think its true. I have been foolish.

Looking back, I was so ready to leave New York. I felt as though it wasn’t mine. Whatever that means. I was ready to get back to a life in a place that I love with the people I love. Shouldn’t be to difficult, should it?

Wrong.

I have lived in another country. I have moved to a city where I knew not a soul. I have been to the funerals of friends. I have conquered everything that life has thrown at me thus far, and yet this…this being in the place where I should be the most comfortable, is draining me.

Across from me in the coffee shop tonight were two girls, obviously home on break from their first semester of college. As I eavesdropped into their conversation I remembered what that was like… Trying to communicate with old friends this brave new you that you are. Trying to catch up, but also testing the waters to see if the ways that you have grown and changed are compatible with the ways they have grown and changed.

At first, witnessing this interaction made me feel good about the fact that I am no longer 18 years old trying to navigate my way through college. That is certainly one of those times in life that I can look back on with fondness yet have no desire to return to. Then, as I thought about it, I realized that in a way, I am in the same place that they are. It’s true. I may be more familiar with myself than they are and I am certainly past the point of bragging about the parties I went to and the tattoos I got (everyone knows I am a badass by this point, its futile), but when it comes to trying to fit this “new me” into the old world…it’s a struggle.

I struggle with self worth as much as the next girl, but when I think of the things I have done, accomplished, experienced in the last 5 years, I am damn impressed with myself. I have faced things I never imagined, and rather than coming out hardened and dead to the world, I seem to have created a “me” that is tough, yet tender and optimistic.

Yet here I am. I may have been foolish for thinking being here would be easy. But the thing I have going for me that these girls don’t is a couple of years under my belt that have shown me what I am capable of. This may not be ideal, but I can hack it here, just like I can hack it anywhere. I may not feel brave most days, but I have to remind myself that I am. And window by window I will try and look into this brave new me.

The Tao of the Uncertain

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Is There More to Life Than a Good Bottle of Merlot?

I understand what is so intoxicating about the city. Even beyond the fact that it is socially acceptable to order alcohol at any meal, the city makes it easy to be drunk, figuratively, with free flowing ideas, politics, trends, and philosophies.

In the beginning of my time here I fell victim to this drunkenness (of the figurative variety, of course). In a friend’s apartment in the Upper East Side we would sit with our bottle(s) of red wine, a block of Gouda cheese and spend the night philosophizing, and ranting about the downfall of American culture and politics. It was intoxicating.

I thought to myself, “This is what I have been missing in my life.”

Throughout my life I have had good friends with whom I had many good conversations but in comparison to this they all seemed childish. This was “grown up.” Here, we would solve all of the world’s problems with our bottle of wine and large vocabularies.

I would estimate that about 80% of the young people I have met here are from the Midwest. In getting to know many of them, I have come to realize there is one crucial difference between them and I… They left. I came. For them, New York is about escaping where they came from and this intoxication that is so easily found on every street corner makes it easy. You can get lost in the free flowing ideas, politics, trends and philosophies. But for me, I came. I came here for an opportunity, not an escape. I’m not trying to create myself; I am trying to be myself.

At some point during the year, I realized that maybe these free flowing ideas and late nights of philosophizing were something I was missing in my life. However, partaking makes me no more “grown up” than I would be at home riding my bike to a brewery and laughing hysterically when someone falls on their ass. These nights and conversations can be valuable in my life, but a balance between serious conversation and laughing with playful abandon is not only an ideal, it is a necessity.

So now, I must find a way to be drunk not only on wine and philosophy, but in the playful joy that we are so graciously gifted.

What makes you drunk?

Be Drunk

You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it--it's the
only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks
your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually
drunk.
But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be
drunk.
And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of
a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again,
drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave,
the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything
that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is
singing, everything that is speaking. . .ask what time it is and
wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you:"It is time to be
drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be
continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.

Charles Baudelaire

The Tao of the Uncertain Traversing a Mighty Terrain

- A Year in NYC –

The end of my time here in NYC begs the question, what have I learned? Admittedly, there is still much to be processed, yet as I look back at my time there are a few lessons I cannot seem to ignore, try as I might.

This, the Tao of the Uncertain, will be something of a series, rather than a long, rambling entry that you would not have the patience to sit and read, nor I, quite honestly, to sit and write.

.001

Values Don’t Just Sit in a Vase on the Mantle

Why don’t we talk about values more often? Not in a “family values,” conservative ramblings sort of way, but in a more personal, less crap filled way…

“Hi, my name is Melissa, these are the things that I value in life and in myself and in the world....”

We introduce ourselves instead with where we are from, where we went to school, and what our family looks like. Sure, these things can reflect our values, but it’s clear that many times there is a missing link in assumptions people make about other people. (See: racism, classism, sexism etc.) So why can’t we make it easier on each other? Is it that we don’t think about what our values really are? And if so, why not?

Living in community with 6 other people this year made me think about values.

To some of us, fairness of the distribution of chores was valuable. To others, social time together and still others, accountability. To all of us, toilet paper. To me… cleanliness. Now, I am not asking that everything in this nasty ex-convent be spic and span, but I would appreciate it if the trash was taken out when full and dirty dishes not left all over the house indefinitely. When I tried to express this value, some of my community made me feel as though I was uptight for possessing this value, that it was their “right” to leave dishes unwashed in the sink and let the bathroom stink for weeks on end. The thing is, I am not uptight. Actually, I am a pretty laid back person most of the time. It’s not my demeanor or neurosis that cause a desire for a clean living space, it’s the fact that I value the environment in which I exist.

So if I value a clean living space, someone else values conservation of energy and someone else values fairness, would we exhaust our capacity to help others keep the things valuable to them? I don’t think so. I think, instead, we would grow in our own capacity to value. And be reminded that valuing others is the most important value of all.

Hi, I’m Melissa. I value:

A clean living space

Honesty and straightforwardness

My family

Good conversation

Good beer

When the previous three are combined into one

Well rounded people who challenge me

Myself

The ability to have fun, and also be serious

Education

Open-mindedness

Social Justice

Opportunities to experience a culture other than our own

The Astoria Bohemian Beer Garden (is there a trend here?)

Community

And so much more.

What do you value?

Think about it.

Life Highlights- June 2009

In times of transition I have a terrible habit of avoiding reflection and introspection as much as possible. This transition is no different. So instead, I give you highlights...

1. Trip to Ohio/ Shooting a 12 gage shotgun.

The trip to Ohio for Kevin’s brother’s wedding was just what I needed, though tough to explain to people here.

“Oh, you’re going on vacation, where are you going?”

“Ohio”

“Oh..........why?” (with a very confused look on their face)

No one could quite grasp why a girl from Colorado would leave the city to go to the midwest….and they have a point. But I was at a point where I needed to get out of the city and away from my community. Spending time in Ohio and meeting the important people in Kevin’s life there helped give me a whole different understanding of him as a person.

When I returned and people asked what I did in Ohio my quick response was, “Rode four wheelers and shot shit.” I had a legitimately redneck southern Ohio time, that’s what I did. Before this experience with a shotgun in the backwoods of southern Ohio I had never even held a gun, let alone shot one. Honestly, I was terrified. And afterwards, I did not feel powerful or accomplished, but I did feel the same way I feel anytime after doing something that I was scared to do. Capable. I felt capable. And for me, that is one of the best feelings I know. I don’t feel the need to shoot again any time soon, but for the sake of stepping out of my comfort zone--it was worth it.

2. Day on my own in Philadelphia

After leaving Cincinnati, Kevin and I drove to Philadelphia where we were spending the night at his friend Erin’s. He left early the next morning to head to Boston for the Red Sox-Yankees game, but I had the whole day in the city to myself before taking the bus back to NYC that evening. From this experience, I learned one thing- I think every vacation should end with a day by myself when I can re-coup and prepare to get back to “real life.” I had never been to Philly before and walking around the city, visiting pieces of our nation’s history, catching up with my mom and eating a cheesesteak made for a perfect day.

3. Discernment retreat with Julie

Like I said, I do everything I can these days to avoid reflection and introspection. Of course, Julie knew the questions to ask and helped to force me to take a few looks back at this GSV experience and look forward to whatever it is that will be next. I'm pretty lucky to have her.

4. Night at the Beer Garden

Need I say more? Julie, Kevin, Kate and a bunch of friends from the city. Drinking Czech beer, playing Loaded Questions. The Beer Garden did not disappoint. Never does.

5. Standing in line at the TKTS Booth/ Seeing Avenue Q

Unwilling to pay the $121 for a Broadway show? Willing to stand in line for cheap(er) tickets? Stand in line at the TKTS booth in Times Square….

It was raining. We were wet. And honestly, this was one of my favorite things that we did while Kevin was here. I cant explain it. I’m odd. I loved it.

But I am not totally crazy, even more than the standing in line in the rain, seeing Avenue Q was everything that I hoped, and more. The show is impossible to explain. Puppets. Raunchy humor. Foul language. Political poignancy. Fantastic songs. And oddly representative of my life as a recent college graduate here in the city. As Hannah said, "Before seeing it I thought it was making fun of political correctness, now I know....its actually making fun of people like us."

Leaving

With the bottle of wine between them,
She listens to stories
How life is revealing itself
Here. Now.

With the sounds of the street below,
She hears life unfold
Promising more than today,
Tomorrow.

The lights go out around them,
Her eyes open wide
Seeing what is real,
True.

The life on the streets of this city-
Your life,
it has beauty, possibility.
It is not mine.

Mine is elsewhere.
Without wine between us and loud streets below.

You left. I came.
I will go
To find life revealed.
But this,
is mine.

Things I Know Nothing About

1) Star trek

2) Saskatchewan

3) Organic Gardening

4) Most television shows and movies

5) Myself

Okay, maybe saying I know nothing about myself is an exaggeration, but I seem to be constantly reminded that I do not know everything on this topic.

Example:

If you look back in the archives of this wonderful blog that I only continue to write in order to keep quiet the peanut gallery, you will find an entry from my 8,392 day on this great earth (September 28, 2008.) In this entry entitled “Childlike Wildlike” I share that I have come to the conclusion that I am a “5” in the enneagram personality inventory. I shared:

Wonderful, I am a "5," what does that mean? Well, you see, it means that though I like to think of myself as a person who uses her heart for those decision making purposes, I actually use my head. According to the typography, I am mentally alert, good at observing, have generally modest needs, independent, yet detached a good listener, non-critical, gentle, introverted and private, and when I feel safe I can be expressive, friendly and talkative... But then on the other hand, for most "5's" privacy can turn to loneliness, feelings are disconnected to thoughts, they can be stingy with emotions, and are often frightened of center stage and more than anything, a "5" hates the feeling of foolishness. And I sit here, still a skeptic, but I have to admit, that typography just described me in a nutshell.

Turns out, I should have held on to my skepticism a little longer. Instead, I latched on to this typography. It explained so much in my life. I was a “head” person….ahhh, I get it. And then I went on with life, explaining my actions and reactions with the fact that I was a “5.” It all made perfect sense.

And, then a whopping 5 months after I had come to understand myself entirely with the help of this “enneagram” I began having doubts. I began thinking about my decision making process, my relationships, my internal dialogue and I realized….I AM NOT A HEAD PERSON AT ALL, I AM A GUT PERSON!!!

Almost every decision I make is based on what feels right to me. Every relationship I keep is one that I feel has a place in my life, even if it doesn’t make logical sense. I constantly have inner dialogue with myself about why I feel a certain way… I do think, but when I think, I think about what I feel. I got confused because I don’t articulate what I feel well, often resorting to sharing what I think because I don’t know how to share what I feel.

Example:

Earlier this spring I wrote a stellar admissions essay that helped me get accepted into the Community Psychology and Social Change Program at Penn State Harrisburg. Though I tried to play it cool while waiting to see if I was accepted (what kind of crazy person only applies to one graduate program?) in all reality, I had my heart set on this. It seemed like it was going to be the program that was going to be able to take me to where I wanted to go. And then, the day came- a small envelope came in the mail congratulating me on my admission to the program. I was so excited. I planned a solo road trip to Harrisburg as my final formality before committing to this 2 year program and made my way to central PA.

I went. I saw. I felt. I explored. I got back in the car to come back to NYC and I knew that it wasn’t for me. I simply could not see myself being a part of the program, the university or the community as a whole. My gut was telling me it wasn’t right.

So I decided I will not be going to get my MA CP&SC.

No more questions asked.

No doubts in my mind about whether I made the right decision.

My gut told me no, so I say no.

So with my gut and its newly empowered role in my life I move forward. I have sat down with my enneagram materials trying to figure out “what I am,” yet I have found my attempt at fitting myself into a personality paradigm to be fruitless. When I lay the enneagram numbers in front of me I find that in fact, if I were to label myself, I would fit most accurately into the “One” typography of, “essentially looking to make things better, as they think nothing is ever quite good enough. This makes them perfectionists who desire to reform and improve; idealists who strive to make order out of the omnipresent chaos.” Now, I would argue against the claims of perfectionism and workaholic-ism, but there is much of that I can see in myself. But if I know one thing, it’s that I am not going to be content in boxing myself into a number anymore.

And come August, looks like its back to CO for me. From the NYC skyscrapers back to my skyscraping mountains. Back to Colorado beer, spicy salsa, my bike, open space…and most importantly, back to my family, back to Sunday afternoons in the backyard and weekends in the mountains. But this time, I will also be moving forward with them, exploring new boundaries in these no longer obligatory relationships. Its exciting.

But today and tomorrow I am going to do my best in trying to use my gut, my heart AND my head to lead me and I guess I will continue trying to figure me out, though I am not sure that I will ever be off my “Things I know nothing about” list.

____

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
...
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
- Don Henley